Most professionals think that overcommitment is a time management problem.

In fact, it’s mostly a communication problem.

Key points to consider:

• People often say yes at work because saying no is hard, especially when the request is made face-to-face.
• Once people agree to help, they often work harder than intended, and their effort is less appreciated than they realise.
• Instead of focusing on the yes-or-no decision, focus on the communication.
• Science gives us more effective ways to respond to requests than our standard reflexive answers.

Why you take on too much at work

Early in your career, saying yes to opportunities at work can help you develop new relationships, greater exposure, and new skills. While these benefits may still exist at a later stage of your career, chances are you receive more requests than you can manage. If you have found yourself overcommitted at work, it is likely you have berated yourself for taking on too much or for poor time management skills. How would it change your perspective if you learned that saying no is harder than saying yes? Or if you learned that saying no is a skillset that improves with practice?

Research shows that people who ask for things at work systematically underestimate how hard it is for others to say no. Further, when the request occurs face-to-face, declining can feel awkward, cold, or reputation-damaging, even when the request is unreasonable. One field experiment found that in-person requests were far more likely to receive agreement than email requests, precisely because refusal is harder in the moment.

This dynamic leads to a predictable pattern: saying yes is the easiest option, for now. The resulting stress, overload, or resentment comes later.

What happens after you say yes

Once people agree to help, they tend to exert more effort than the help-seeker expects or even appreciates . This means a simple “Sure, no problem” can quietly turn into hours of work, emotional labor, or cognitive load that no one explicitly asked for nor agreed to do. Importantly, this pressure is internal. No one needs to threaten you or try to make you feel guilty. Simply agreeing makes this outcome more likely.

In fact, it is not just the person asking for help who underestimates the amount of effort needed. Research demonstrates that our own estimates of the time required to perform a task are systematically low, even when we have done similar things in the past.

As a result, the real cost of saying yes often becomes clear only after you’ve already committed.

Why workplaces amplify the problem

Many workplaces reward responsiveness, teamwork, and availability. Those can be good values—but they also increase the guilt associated with saying no.

Nature’s coverage of scientists learning to reject requests captures this tension vividly. Cravens and her equally highly respected colleagues describe guilt, anxiety, and fear of reputational harm when saying no, even to requests that undermined their core work. They discuss needing emotional strategies to overcome the idea that they should say yes, or that they owe the asker something more than a polite refusal.

The solution is not to become blunt or unhelpful. Nor is it to grit your teeth and simply refuse. Instead, research suggests a variety of strategies that can make refusals socially safe and effort-bound, while preserving goodwill.

1. What to say to interrupt the moment that creates pressure

Because in-person requests are so effective at eliciting agreement, the first protective move is to give yourself space.

Instead of replying immediately, use phrases such as:

• “Let me check my workload and get back to you this afternoon.”
• “I want to think about whether or not I can do this well. Let me reply later.”

This small delay shifts the decision from a socially induced reflex to a deliberate choice. It also reduces the interpersonal pressure that makes “no” feel hard in the moment.

2. What to say instead of yes or no

Research indicates it is easier to respond with a structured, limited approach in place of a refusal. Moreover, responses of this kind are viewed more positively than rejections. For example:

• “I can’t take this on right now, but here are some resources that will help.”
• “I’m not the right person for this, but I can introduce you to someone who might be.”

3. What not to say: Don’t over-explain your situation

One common mistake is using an emotional reply —like,“I wish I could —or providing several reasons for your limited availability. Ironically, this can invite negotiation. Instead, anchor no in non-negotiable constraints. Say no early and firmly.

• “I don’t have capacity this month.”
• “This clashes with a deadline I can’t move.”
   

4. When to say yes: Better “yeses” through intentional practice to develop skills

Cravens and her colleagues identified specific practices that not only strengthened their resolve to say no but improved the quality and value of the projects they did accept. They describe tools that helped them:

• Criteria for saying yes: Define upfront criteria for the work you want to do (in their cases, for the year ahead).

• Ledger of requests: Log each request for work. This develops a data-based overview that may surprise you with the sheer volume of asks you receive.
• Record eachno: Make an entry for every decision to say no, noting which criteria the request did not meet.
• Pair up with a work buddy: Meet regularly with others who are following the same approach for moral support.

Just like the development of any skillset, over time, you will find it easier to improve your ability to distinguish the clear yes decisions and reject the no requests with effective communication strategies and without emotional turmoil or relationship damage.

Influence is achieving the outcome you seek through effective communication

Workplace influence is not only a question of persuading others. It’s also a matter of navigating the social forces that in turn persuade you. Our reflexive communication responses leave us susceptible to subsequent behaviour patterns that predictably end in frustration and overcommitment. Now that you know this is a common problem, and that a few strategic changes in your replies can make a significant difference, we hope you are empowered to practice more effective communication.

Your time is a limited resource. Presumably, your priorities have been set for good reasons, and focusing on them matters. The only way to have time for the things that really matter is to effectively say no to the things that don’t matter.

Dr Amanda Nimon-Peters is a behavioural scientist, a Professor of Leadership at Hult, and author of Working with Influence: Nine Principles of Persuasion to Accelerate Your Career.